It's FALL!

So here it is already October. Where oh where does the time go. Wildman got his yellow strip belt when he tested. We couldn't be more proud of him. He has really flourished doing karate (kung-fu). Things are really hopping around the farm. We had 9 little piggies born last month. So far 6 of them have found new homes and we are hoping to have the remaining 3 gone by the end of the week. Our other sow is due to pig next month so we have to clear out the maternity ward. LOL My nephew arrived ahead of schedule on 09/12 weighing in at a whopping 8lbs 4.9oz and 21.75 inches long. I must come up with an internet name for him. He is just the cutest little thing ever and I am over the moon with joy. With that being said I had some "emotions" resurface after he was born that I have been struggling to deal with. At the hospital after he was born I just couldn't stop crying. I was overwhelmed with emotions. Happiness, sadness (for myself)you name it. I went into the bathroom and just sobbed so that no one would know what a train wreck I was. When I was driving home from the hospital I just cried and cried and couldn't understand why. Deerhunter kept asking me what was wrong and I had no answer for him. I just couldn't stop. The next day it was more of the same. I guess just having someone as dear to my heart as my sister having a baby brought back the realization that what she just experienced is something I never will. Now before you jump to conclusions, Wildman is my child, same as if I had given birth to him myself and I love him with all my heart and soul and nothing will ever change that. I guess it's just the fact of not getting to experience being pregnant and physically giving birth to a child has reared it's ugly head. I don't have any resentment or ill feelings towards anyone for having/experiencing what I can't. I'm just having my own little pitty party I guess. There is just a part of me that will always want that just as everyone always seems to want what they can't have. I think that after the hysterectomy I felt so much better physically that I didn't allow myself to heal and grieve emotionally for what I had lost. I've tried to ignore the feelings and bury them but that doesn't do anything except allow them to resurface later. I am going to have to find a way to come to terms with this once and for all. At this point, I have absolutely no idea how to do that. So if you come to visit the blog and think I have jumped off the deep end, fear not, I haven't. I'm just working through my issues and in time all will be well.